note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
