I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
