I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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