The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
