i just had sex bonerless
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
