Please, let me fuck your mom
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
