Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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