i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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