is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
