Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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