I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
