you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
