Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
