normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
