turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
