Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
