if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
