Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
