I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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