i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
