His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
