I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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