If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
