I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My liver just broke up with me...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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