I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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