I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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