he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
