Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
