i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
