He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
