Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Found the puke drawer
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
