I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
