i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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