Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
