We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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