When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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