I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
