nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
