Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
