I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
