Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
