I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hell yes lets make some ravioli
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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