i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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