Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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