I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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