Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
