just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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