I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
