There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
