How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
